What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 14:58
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One cannot live in the past .
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I have no regrets .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What is one thing which you cannot stop however hard you try?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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I waited trembling.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Comes on , in middle age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Can you explain the difference between God and atma according to the Bhagavad-Gita?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She found it foreign!.
This is soul school!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im still living with it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But, we were locked up after school.
Who then, do I blame.?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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I don,t even have a pension.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I write beautiful poetry .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He knew the spot.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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So, i spoilt her more .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So whats the point in blame.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
She was in good health!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I will be 64.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i do to all so called friends.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Would this be the day?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was seconnd youngest,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ive learnt so much.
She married twice! .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She wouldn,t have been !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My family never makes their pension either.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What did i know ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
She loved him until the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
All the time i was locked up.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But it wasn’t much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I think the readers, may guess!
When she asked me how she looked .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I said to her
We all went to grammer schools
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My life is so biszare .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were not on the streets..
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Put me off passion for life!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My mum and dad in the seventies!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And i lived it daily.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!